Every week, the same conversation has taken place in my head.

This week will be different. This will be the week where I will hit all my workouts, make my mileage, stay on top of my studying and get things off my to-do list. I’ll go full-speed and just power through it all, like I used to. Nothing can stop me. No guts, no glory, no excuse, no regrets.

Every. Single. Week. I’ve had that same conversation.

Every. Single. Week. I’ve failed. For about the past 30-some odd weeks.

It’s demoralizing. It’s disheartening. It’s downright embarrassing.

I don’t do disappointment well. Failure isn’t an option.

However, something had to change, and I had to be the one to do it.

So I did.

I’m cutting the trail marathon off my race calendar – I’ll volunteer instead, as I have in the past. Maybe I can sweep the second half of the course. But I will be a spectator and not a participant.

This is history being made right now. The Running Chick has never given up on a goal that she has announced to the world. It was a difficult decision to make, but in the long run, in my heart…I know it has to be this way.

There’s a difference between the feeling of “wanting to run” and “having to run.” I prefer to want to run; I prefer that feeling that running is a privilege that I am fortunate to partake in when I choose. To wake up on a weekend morning and be nervous and excited about a long run – that’s joy, that’s living...that’s being in the moment.

I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Running has been filled with guilt and worry. I worry about when I’ll have time to fit my long run in, how tired I’ll be afterwards, and if I’ll be able to stay awake while I’m studying. I worry about where to run – should I take the extra time to drive to a different trail or should I keep running the trails near home? What if I hurt myself – then I won’t be able to run or go to school. Then I’d calculate the amount of time and energy needed for trail running…so could figure that into my time calculations and food/water intake. It felt overwhelming, and burdening.

Usually, I love these details. The goal keeps me focused and on track. The details provide the structure and routine I crave. I thought having a race to work towards would help me, but right now, it’s not working. Plus, my body has given me more than one warning shot to back the heck off. It’s a recipe for an injury-disaster right now.

I need to listen to the messages that are being sent to me – better to listen carefully to the whispers now, rather than deal with the screams later. In just a month and a half the stressed out, sleepless, dehydrated and poor-eating-habits Running Chick can be put to rest. Then, she will refocus, rejuvenate and celebrate.

Stick around for the celebration.